And So It Ends i have been on the chem for three rounds, and it almost killed me. I had a very bad reaction to chemo, but did it because I wanted to kill the cancer, or knock it back, and stick around for a few more years. The CT scan showed that the cancer has been pretty much unaffected by the CT scans, and has in fact grown. So it is not going to be a way out for me. in fact, there is no way out. I tried to do this dance, but it is time to agree that I am not going to be dancing any more. I am sorry to be letting people know in such an in-personal way. There are so many people I'd love to spend a day with and talk about all this but I don't think this is going to happen. i am weaker than I have ever been, having a hard time even imagining visitors. I just can't see having a stream of visitors. Maybe I'lol get some energy back and my feelings will change. Whatever happens, I have learned a couple things: i learned that no matter how many people sending you positiv
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Preparing for the Next Dive Tomorrow is my next infusion, and I have to admit: I'm not looking forward to it at all. Hopefully this is the one that will start being easier to breeze through. But it does seem that the roads in Chemoworld are very poorly paved, so I expect a series of bumps and jostling. Three weeks after this infusion, I go for a CT scan. That should happen in three weeks, and then we will actually have information. Is the chemo working? Do we keep going on this path? The day of the CT results is the one I worry about the most. I'm not really sure what to say here. This thing I have to do is looming, and so I will do it. It doesn't feel brave or special or courageous to be doing this. I just have to get there, have to get it done. Maybe now I'll get a break and be able to rebuild my strength and my voice. So I trust my doctor, and so I prepare to dive in to the next chemo. The distance seems higher, and the amount o liquid at the bottom seems lower. Bu
High Atop the Palisades There used to be an amazing amusement part just across the river from New York, called Palisades Amusement Park.It had the best theme song: Palisades has the rides, Palisade has the fun, Come on over. Shows and dancing are free, so's the parking so gee, Come on over. Palisades from coast to coast Where a dime buys the most Palisades Amusement Park Swings all day and after dark. Ride the coaster, get cool in the waves in the pool You'll have fun so come on over. The most amazing feature of Palisades was the huge roller coaster, perched right on the edge of the cliff. When the car got to the top of the hill and curved to come back down, the riders could see all the way down to the river. It was terrifying. But now that the whole park is gone, I'm wondering: has it relocated to Chemoworld? Because much of my days seem to be spent riding the rides. No, not that anything exciting is happening. But I go from feeling better to feeling worse in the blink o
Growing Stronger The new dose of chemo that I took on the 22nd seems to be the right amount. Although the week after was still pretty rough, it was rough mostly because of how exhausted and out of it I felt. The reality is, I am starting to feel better. I am having more energy, walking around the house more, going down the front stairs after the mail and newspaper without a thought. Everything is still a major effort, and take a lot of thought. I may decide to do something, and will then spend 15 minutes in a bit of a fog, trying to get myself to do it. But these fogs are becoming shorter. I see light at the end of the tunnel. The goal here, of course is that the chemo is working to reduce the cancer enough so I can survive, and that, as I get stronger and more able to deal with it I will be able to have an infusion and go back to my life. Until today, I haven't really believed that could happen. Of course, the Jew inside me says I shouldn't be typing any of this, for fear of