And So It Ends
i have been on the chem for three rounds, and it almost killed me. I had a very bad reaction to chemo, but did it because I wanted to kill the cancer, or knock it back, and stick around for a few more years.
The CT scan showed that the cancer has been pretty much unaffected by the CT scans, and has in fact grown. So it is not going to be a way out for me.
in fact, there is no way out. I tried to do this dance, but it is time to agree that I am not going to be dancing any more.
I am sorry to be letting people know in such an in-personal way. There are so many people I'd love to spend a day with and talk about all this but I don't think this is going to happen.
i am weaker than I have ever been, having a hard time even imagining visitors. I just can't see having a stream of visitors. Maybe I'lol get some energy back and my feelings will change.
Whatever happens, I have learned a couple things:
i learned that no matter how many people sending you positive thoughts and prayers, shit still happens. (I think I knew tis)
I learned that life really is precious and really can be taken away at a moment's notice, and that its important to acknowledge that. I always did acknowledge that Fat lotta good that did me!
Okay, but mostly what I learned is how many people truly love me. I knew people said they did, but it is amazing how many there are and have been. It's really amazing how many people have stepped forward to show me howmuch love they have for me.
And it has kindled my love for them. It has made my heart grow warm and my love for my peeps even stronger. It has brought my siblings and I closer, which has been wonderful.
I don't know what to say other than thank you all for being part of my community. I will post more if I see there is stuff to post. But in any event the cancer news is mostly out there.
Much love to you all. xoxox
Sending you pure love, and a renewed strength as you learn how to handle this very different journey. Please know that I always have and always will be blessed to have had the honor of crossing paths with you throughout the many years. I hope you know the influence you have on me. It dwells deep.
ReplyDeleteSweetheart, I'm so sorry for all the torment the chemo put you through and that it didn't help with the cancer. I'm hoping that without the chemo, you might get some energy back and feel a bit better. Thank you for sharing with us all what you've been going through. Love you big (even if it changes nothing and shit still happens). Love you hella big.
ReplyDeleteI too am so sorry for all you’ve been through. And that the chemo failed. I love you so much. And so do lots of other people. If only that could cure this mo’fo’ disease.
ReplyDeleteOh honey. You always did acknowledge that life is precious, and you've lived accordingly. You taught me that lesson even though I was the biggest blockhead student you ever had. I want to chat with you non-stop for days on end, but you've got to preserve your energy right now. Communicating this way is much appreciated. As the Wizard said, "times being what they are, I'll take it". Have ruby slippers, will click, whenever you need me. Love you to bitsies.
ReplyDeleteHow fortunate I feel that Tom reacquainted us some years back. You are truly one of the most remarkable people I have ever known – thank you for becoming a part of my life. It is with such sadness that I read your blog today, how temporary and fragile it all is.
ReplyDeleteIf living a good life means making the way better for others, standing up to what is wrong and oppressive, you my dear have done that and more. From imagining and persevering to bring ERC to fruition, to the determination and love to create a family of two Dads when gay men adopting babies was unheard of, to the challenges of living fully with low vision, making technology accessible, dreaming big and wild things and moving buildings – and figurative mountains, helping us find a way to make real the idea that all people deserve to housed and supported, and loving a man deeply - that is a life well lived with lasting roots. With love to you.
Dmitri, I was so sad to read this. I wish I could trade places with you. I am glad that you now know just how many people love and admire you. We all do. You've made the world a safer place for us. Thank you
ReplyDeleteI seem to remember watching Star Trek TNG with you, sitting on your knee, when it was coming out. There's something that the Captain said that I think bears repeating here.
ReplyDelete"It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness; that is life."
I think that's worth remembering here.
I'm taking some odd comfort as well in a computer game, of all things, about the dreams of a kid coming to terms with cancer. Every time you win a fight in that game, the victory message is "Jimmy did his best."
You did your best. You did all right by me. You did not abandon the work.
You are not obligated to complete it.
There are a few things I want to email you, progress on things I've been working on since last year. I'll do that, after I'm done posting here.
You might be done dancing, but hell, you were so good at it we're going to keep playing your song and step in to dance for you.
I love you. I always will.
- Talia
Dmitri I'm holding you close in my heart and cherishing the moments we shared. Sending you so, so much love. xox Judy Smith
ReplyDeleteI was also hoping you would stick around a few more years, so we could retire and hang out, maybe drive around and complain about new architecture, or what they call architecture but we call crap.
ReplyDeleteYou know all the jokes. Now I have to go tell mom "Dmitri's on the roof." That's no good.
Let me know if you need anything. I am so very sad to lose you.
Yours, Baby Duckling.
My dear, cherished Dmitri - I am so terribly sorry about this news. I'm dumfounded and stuck shaking my head. You wrote recently that you did not consider it courageous to go through this rigorous and brutal treatment. I think your commitment to life and the zeal with which you live it is courageous indeed. With that, you inspire and fuel the courage of those lives you touch. Because of you, my life is richer, deeper, wider, more hilarious, and makes a modicum of sense. I love and thank you deeply for being the best friend imaginable.
ReplyDeleteSo sad to read this; I can almost see you typing it in pain and despair.
ReplyDeleteBut I have to ask, as you gave no hint, what treatments, palliative or otherwise, are under consideration for next steps? Have they not prepared Plans B, C, etc. all the way back through cuneiform? It goes against the arrogant, we-can-fix-anything medical culture, not to mention the what-else-can-we-do-to-drain-the-insurance mandate. And it's gotta be these medical people who do it, although they are all impossibly young and are wearing their parents' scrubs; I refuse to ruin my Cuisinart grinding up apricot pits for you.
You know you are loved and valued by so many, including me, and I'm glad you know it!
ReplyDeleteDearest honey bunny. Glad you are aware of how much love is around you. You are the absolute best. xox
ReplyDeleteI just have to say this sucks massive donkey balls. :-( You don't suck Dimitri, you rock. Cancer Sucks.
ReplyDeleteThere will be tears, yes. But, will they be tears of celebration or tears of regret.?
ReplyDeleteTo me, there are two measures of life.
Oscar Wilde said one of them: “Be yourself. The others are already taken.” I will take the other one a bit out of context: “It is not how long one lives. It is how much one lives.”
I only knew you through your dad who had done so much for me. He did so much for all of us.
Yet, Dmitri, from what I have learned of you, you have knocked both of these out of the park.
I am saying this so that you will know, when loved ones come to your room with tears in their eyes, what kind of tears they are.
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ReplyDeleteWhat to say when we are not surprised, but still shocked? It's unimaginable, not fair, and does suck. Your humor, hospitality, energy, and talents are serious gifts that no one wants to lose. Thinking of you (and Tom) a lot, wishing there was something to be done. THANK you so much for writing what you have.
Dearest sweet Dmitri!
ReplyDeleteYou have been on my mind repeatedly since I’ve learned of your illness. I also have a hard time saying goodbye, but I want you to know that even though we haven’t been able to see each other your smile and loving energy has been with me. I want you to know that your kindness and love arrived in my life when I needed it most. You welcomed me into C4AT and help me find a home in an unfamiliar place. That will always live with me. I believe in prayer and I’ve been praying that your suffering is masked with memories of a good life and that your heart is overwhelmed with love. It has been such an honor to have met you, and being a part of your professional family has been the greatest honor of my life. I will speak of your love, your sass, your joy and the bright light it brought into my life during a really rough and dark time with so much pride.
Richard and I are holding you close to our hearts. I remember the first time I met you was in the Fall of 1981 at San Francisco State University. I thought you were cool running around campus barefooted, long hair and hippie clothes. You were working in the disability office. I had been learning sign language and was in need of interpreters for my classes who were easy for me to understand. You did a great job of making sure I got those interpreters.
ReplyDeleteA few years down the road we were over at your place somewhere in San Francisco (at 70, one doesn’t remember things as well) and you and Tom were showing off your firstborn infant (so cute) and you were talking about real estate investments, etc. and suddenly you stopped, paused and screeched “0h my god! I sound like a yuppie!” Years later, hearing about you buying old homes, moving them and fixing them up, I was relieved to know that you did NOT become a yuppie!
Much love, Stan Potrude and Richard Allegra
Hi, Dmitri, I am coming to this blog, and your accounts, late-- I was thinking, hopefully but wrongly, that everything would be fine-- in line with how invincible and bad ass I have found you over the years. You're still invincible and bad ass and everything you do-- from running an NGO to interpreting to parenting to renovating and moving houses to just living has been incredible to observe and experience (mostly from afar). I owe you a great deal in terms of life trajectories-- you raised an awesome kid who I got to teach/work with and then somehow you might be responsible for my marriage. And our child loved you upon meeting you as well! You and your player piano and wacky house and sensibilities. And it's all about your amazing sensibilities.... sending you much love, light, and out of town player piano tunes. Michele
ReplyDeleteDmitri, this little tidbit of accessibility tech will hopefully make you smile. A long time ago I added your first name to to the word prediction dictionary of my on-screen keyboard. Not everyone rates, but you definitely do. You're such a huge part of this community. I'm glad you feel the love.
ReplyDeleteCancer has not taken your Being and Witty Personality away from you one iota!! Sending lots of love, light and Healing hugs your way. You are surrounded by Love.
ReplyDeleteOh Dmitri, I am so glad the love reached you across all the time and space! Thank you for spending time with me over the many years, for showing me and teaching me so many things, for telling me so many jokes and stories, for sharing your passions and opinions as you do. I feel honored to have had you in my life. Thank you and so many hugs.
ReplyDeleteOh, man, life sure does know how to mess with you, doesn't it? Just want to let you know that I'm one of your many fans - you have enriched my life in so many ways. Sending you and Tom lots and lots of love, and I hope that whatever happens, you know that we all care about you.
ReplyDeleteDmitri, Sounds like the proverbial really hit the fan hard ! I'm stuck for words here, but you are one of the strongest guys that I have ever had the opportunity to work with and get to know. You and your awesome husband Tom, what a perfect pair and what generous and loving people you both are. We are thinking of you guys.
ReplyDeleteHi, Dmitri, It's your cousin Teddy sending you love from Colorado. I had somehow missed your Facebook postings about the blog. Hope you can feel the virtual hugs I'm sending. And there are more for Tom and your family.
ReplyDeleteThis all sucks... it's not fair, it's not right... and it's breaking my heart. Being the big softy that I am, I'm having a hard time seeing the keyboard through the tears. You are such a presence in my life all the years. This preppy Boston boy's world was turned UPSIDE DOWN by this interpreter coordinator that was irreverent, saucy, smart, FUNNY and walking around BAREFOOT with his hair in a BRAID down to his ASS!! You are a GIFT in so many lives... and definitely mine. I am here for YOU and Tom if there is anything that you may need. I'll even sing show tunes on your porch if that's what you'd like. Don't even get me started about our singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" back on Bernal.
ReplyDeleteI'd really like to type LOVE, LOVE, LOVE a gazillion times just to annoy you... but I won't... I want to, but won't. LoVE YOU to the MOON and back!! -ric
Hi Dimitri - it's your cousin Tom (Furst) - sending you love and heart vibes from Peru. Kathy just mentioned to me this afternoon that you've been through chemo and well - I don't have facebook but Patricia my wife does so here we are. This news just totally sucks!
ReplyDeleteThough physically distant - I have always fondly remembered you and Tom and your family and held you all in my heart and mind over these years. I don't think I ever got to tell you how much I appreciated and enjoyed your sharp wit and comebacks when we were younger!
Un abrazo primo - te quiero mucho.
Tom
Dmitri, you etched indelibly on my heart. I send my love to Tom, Elliot, Sebastian, and family and friends. We have lost so much.
ReplyDelete"If I forget thee, O [insert your favorite holy thing here]
ReplyDeleteLet my right hand forget her cunning
Let my tongue cleave to the roof of my mouth"
Before this was part of a psalm, people who hadn't been in touch for a long time used it as an excuse, as in "Gevalt, I had a stroke, I couldn't talk on the phone and my keyboarding skills were a mess." [Many passages in the Hebrew Scriptures first appeared in chit-chat over smoky lamb fat or hasty papyri, and were snatched up by no-longer-inspired prophets and such; one can think of the Tanach as a comprehensive Hallmark aisle. "To My Wife, On Being Turned Into A Pillar Of Salt."]
But I digress. Dmitri, you say above that you "... will post more if [you] see there is stuff to post." Well, that seems reasonable, but remember your audience: not reasonable, at least when it comes to love, devotion, concern, etc. over you! To us, no news is NOT good news, not in this context or maybe ever. Begging for scraps here, a shred! Have your picture taken holding a recent newspaper. (The Forward is $60 a year, but if things are really as dire as you intimate, they might accept monthly.)
Jim, no news was indeed bad news. Dmitri died on April 22.
DeleteDmitri passed away on Thursday, April 22nd.
ReplyDeleteWell, it took me until now after hearing the news from Tom that Dmitri died. I found the courage to look at this blog on May 3. What a journey! This is what I would say if I were to send you a post.
ReplyDeleteDmitri, you were a wonderful ally in the voyage of the Disability Mural. We had lovely conversations, you were my best editor when writing about disability. You were someone I could have tough conversations with.
It is the physicality of grieving that is the hardest. I can just imagine picking up the phone and continuing our talks where we left off before. Whether it was 1 week or 6 months ago, that is the mark of a true friendship. That you were surrounded by people who loved you to the very end is a very good thing. You are missed.