Hymie the Robot Loses CONTROL

It's an interesting thing about writing a blog: the perspective that any reader gets to have is mine. I portray myself the way I want to be portrayed, and readers can ignore me or not - but I'm in charge.

This is germane to what I want to talk about for several reasons, but let's start with the key point here: despite the fact that I'm in charge of what gets put here, the fact remains that I really can be an asshole.

Okay, now that we got that out of the way.....

This has been a difficult day. Last night I had a very disturbing dream (I know, dreams are about all I have, so sue me). I was lying on a conveyor belt (the kind with the big silver wheels - they used to have them in front of the A&P for customers to use to get their bags out front.) I was being slid down various ramps and through tunnels, and I had no way of knowing where I was going, or stopping what was happening. There were other people there with me - all of us being slid along, all of us miserable. 

This is what cancer, and chemo, feel like.

I've been thinking about how much my life is no longer in my control. I am lying on this conveyor belt, and I am being taken on a journey. I have no control, I have no energy, I have no power. I go from the bed to the bathroom to the ouch to the bed.... there just isn't much going on with me. 

I like having control of my life. I am proud of the way I have retooled CforAT and made it independent of grants. I like picking houses to move and restore, and making the myriad of decisions as to how they will ultimately come together. Despite my lousy eyes, I have vision for these sorts of decisions, and I like feeling in charge, taking the blame as well as the credit for the work we do.

But now, I have nothing My body is in charge, and it is making every decision for me. I am along for this miserable ride, but I am not steering the ship at all. 

So I can rail against my situation, or I can channel Hymie. AS Get Smart viewers will remember, Hymie was built by KAOS, but Max convinced him to join CONTROL early on. 

Unfortunately, it really was the one decision Hymie got to make. Being a robot, he was basically told what to do and when to do it. Unlike Lieutenant Commander Data, who was determined to be sentient and give the right of self-determination, Hymie was built in a simpler time. Android lifeforms had not yet come together to fight for their rights, and Hymie was a voice in the wilderness. I always felt like Max and 99 tried to be kind to him, but ultimately, Hymie was the property of CONTROL. At best, they patronized him. 

So I am continuing to lie on the conveyor belt and ride this bizarre existence. I'm trying to just go with it, but it is not always easy. Everything feels raw and unsettled. My body is unrecognizable to me, but it continues to make all decisions while I go along for the ride. 

I'm not sure if this will make sense to readers. (Then again, unless I publish an annotated version of this blog, where I explain all the various references that make up my schema, I doubt any of i will make sense.) Just trust me: this is difficult. I thought facing the cancer would be the hard part, but I didn't have a clue that losing myself inside Chemoworld would be so hard. 

More to come. Stand ready.


Comments

  1. sHAsHAFebruary 18, 2021 at 6:31 AM

    Oh Chief - I so do appreciate you writing this blog, and keeping us all out of the Cone of Silence. This is an amazing description of your ride; may you swiftly return to managing the command center of your journey.
    Pick up your shoe and call any time. I love you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. AstroFebruary 18, 2021 at 12:04 PM

      WOULD YOU BELIEVE???? You didn't leave a single Get Smart joke left for the rest of us. You swept the category! Touché, sHAsHA!

      Delete
    2. sHAsHAFebruary 18, 2021 at 8:42 PM

      Yikes...didn't mean to be a Smart hog. Questionable impulse control...
      Hi Dmitri!

      Delete
    3. Ann BelserFebruary 19, 2021 at 10:20 AM

      Astro neat me to "would you believe?"

      Delete
  2. Zach PineFebruary 18, 2021 at 10:10 AM

    Yes. This does make sense. Love to you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. kate W.February 18, 2021 at 4:08 PM

    Despite what you think (chemo influenced I expect), to the rest of us, this blog makes complete sense. Maybe it's the absurdity that makes it seem unreal to you.Those journeys are very personal ones, I can imagine. But it seems you are a very astute observer and commentator on the bizarreness of this mess that you find yourself in. What I see is the Dmitri I know, with that sharp whit and humor thoroughly intact. The comparisons of your experiences with the things in your universe seem very real - to me at least. Keep up the great work.

    ReplyDelete
  4. nancyFebruary 19, 2021 at 10:51 AM

    kate W articulated my sentiments as well. Your humor is critical to healing . . You are in my thoughts and heart all the time. Remember this is an experience you are going thru with a beginning and an end. Chemo kicks your ass but you are a resilient man. You are not cancer.
    I love you!

    ReplyDelete
  5. BonnieFebruary 19, 2021 at 6:41 PM

    Ah, but I do know about that feeling of being disconnected from my body so anytime you want to talk, I'm here.This is instead of bringing you soup or crystals. You do have control over your medical decisions so try holding onto that thought.

    ReplyDelete
  6. JenYUMPMarch 8, 2021 at 3:27 PM

    Hmmm. This is like a bizarro world experience of my experience being pregnant: I felt like just the caretaker (building super?) for the body-building machine that was my body. It was in control, changing in ways that made it (me) unrecognizable, and I was just along for the ride. In your case it's not a body-building but a cancer-fighting/chemo-surviving machine that your body has become - though that particular surreality is currently an unknown for me, the general surreality of it is familiar. What a weird in-body out-of-body experience, huh?

    ReplyDelete

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