Chemo vs Home Restoration

When I had the infusion yesterday, I was told that days two and three tended to be the worst days. Both days I am still taking one of the chemo drugs, and they said that, particularly after the first infusion, people tend to have the worst reactions.

I have just completed Day Two, and I definitely do not feel normal. My stomach feels queasy - not bad, just not right. Eating is still difficult, and my whole system feels very confused. Yet, I would not describe myself as very sick. In fact, I even had the time and energy to do work emails, to start rewiring an antique intercom system for the house, and to do laundry and dishes. This all makes me feel like maybe I'm still me in here.

Having cancer has changed my attitude about my relationship with my body. From when I first got seriously ill, and they thought I might have stomach ulcers, H-pylori or diverticulitis (the good old days), I started thinking about how I am not my body. There are definitely two of us here: the Dmitri who is me, and the body that contains me. Seeing it this way has made it easier. I have been talking to my body (I know, I know - but remember, I DO live in Berkeley) and trying to get the two of us together as a team (mixed doubles or something).  It also has made it easier going in for the various tests and for the infusion. I get to lay back and just let what is going to happen, happen. I watched the entire infusion with a real sense of disconnect from what was going on, which made it much easier. This is hard to pull off when I am feeling sick, but even at those times, I try to observe what my body is experiencing and not make it my experience. 

I was reflecting today that having cancer is, in many ways, akin to moving and restoring an old house. As many of our friends will attest, the houses Tom and I have taken on over the years have been less than inviting looking when we first got them. And in fact, when working on a house, the first thing that happens is we make it look worse. We bust open walls to upgrade plumbing and wiring, we sand off old paint to get back to a stable surface, we take apart trim and details so they can be restored. I feel like this is the stage I am in now: my walls feel smashed open, my foundation is shaky, my roof leaks. 

But overall, I see where we are going with this. I don't think that when this is done I will be completely restored, but if I can get restored to health, I'll take it. The sagging joists and uneven walls? I can deal with them.

Since I'm using this analogy, I thought I'd end with some recent pictures of the house in Hercules that we are moving this spring. Since the two halves of the house have to be brought across a bridge, we had to weigh them to see if the bridge will hold them. The two halves weight 39,000 and 45,000 lbs each. Not bad - the duplex on MLK (now formally named "The Yabba Dabba Duplex") weighed in at 83 tons. Anyway, here are some shots of the Hercules house that Tom snapped the day of the weigh-in.

 






Comments

  1. MaryFebruary 10, 2021 at 7:17 AM

    I'm guessing that you didn't use the kitchen scale to weigh the house - so how do you weigh a house? And, you might try some medical marijuana for that queasy stomach - it can help keep your appetite up which is important... just a little dab'll do ya...

    ReplyDelete
  2. BlancheFebruary 10, 2021 at 8:15 AM

    Thinking of both of you and so happy to hear that you are dealing as well as you can. Keeping busy is good, but resting in the sun is even better! Sending tons of love to you and Tom!

    ReplyDelete
  3. kate W.February 10, 2021 at 10:30 AM

    I really like your approach, Dmitri. Indeed, our selves and our bodies are often "uncooperative" with each other and there may be battles. What I know about you is that you are a master of building collaborations. So, that makes for less than strange bedfellows in your efforts. The Hercules house looks amazing and ready to go. Please let us know when you move it. I would really appreciate being there to watch it on its journey to bigger and better things.

    Kate

    ReplyDelete
  4. kathy SmithFebruary 10, 2021 at 5:20 PM

    Hey Dameets
    I actually posted a comment by my phone in response to your first entry and won't do that again, it disappeared into thin air, or who knows maybe it was thick air. Either way it made me sad to lose it, so now you won't know how much I was thinking about you yesterday. But so glad to hear your sense of humor remains intact, and your gusto in heading into this whole process is so full of all the parts of you I admire the most. It takes a lot of strength to look this disease right in the eyes and jump in full steam ahead. You know there are so many of us out here rooting like hell for you. Really hopeful that the chemo works and those fucking tumors shrink the hell out of your system. I suspect today you are in the throes of it and please know you are loved and holding you in my heart. Really glad you have all your meds on board, hope they are hitting the mark. Take them all and sleep the worst of it away. Love to Tom, these things are rough on the one that loves you the most. Wish I did not know that was true. You are the yabba dabba doingest one that I know, so keep on keeping it real. I have to thank you for doing this blog, It means so much that you are willing to share this part of your journey in your unabashed voice. Nobody puts quite the twist on words the way you do. You have no idea how much it helps us. Love the image of the old home being so stripped to the bones and comparing to your cancer. Yeah strip that baby down!
    kathy

    ReplyDelete
  5. Ric OFebruary 10, 2021 at 5:34 PM

    One should never mix topics in one's blog post... while I was trying to be attentive to the medical info and how the infusion was going, I could NOT get the idea of weighing a house out of my head! I'm with Mary... how does one go about weighing a house?? And are you really "weighing" if you're not standing on a scale?? (I could go on and on... ha)
    I have this jewel of a blog bookmarked (just learned how to bookmark... now I have too many!) so that I don't have to search for your email to find the link.
    Lovingly, Luddite Larry

    ReplyDelete
  6. BethFebruary 10, 2021 at 6:42 PM

    🧡. Just 🧡. Thank you for taking us with you. It helps and challenges us.

    ReplyDelete
  7. sHAsHAFebruary 10, 2021 at 7:14 PM

    Eloquent and brilliant, as always.
    Cottage is pretty nifty, too. Where's it going to land?
    Love, and then some.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Ruby GoldFebruary 12, 2021 at 2:37 PM

    So appreciate you sharing your experience with us as well as your poignant, hilarious, real-deal, irreverent and heartfelt way of expressing it. The house analogy is a great one. In the grand tradition of you are more than the worst thing you've ever done, you're so much more than the sum of what happens to you, and, my personal fav and one that has helped me: you are not your illness. Out here rooting for you, thinking of you and appreciating you, Mister.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

 And So It Ends i have been on the chem for three rounds, and it almost killed me. I had a very bad reaction to chemo, but did it because I wanted to kill the cancer, or knock it back, and stick around for a few more years. The CT scan showed that the cancer has been pretty much unaffected  by the CT scans, and has in fact grown. So it is not going to be a way out for me. in fact, there is no way out. I tried to do this dance, but it is time to agree that I am not going to be dancing any more. I am sorry to be letting people know in such an in-personal way. There are so many people I'd love to spend a day with and talk about all this  but I don't think this is going to happen.  i am weaker than I have ever been, having a hard time even imagining visitors. I just can't see having a stream of visitors. Maybe I'lol get some energy back and my feelings will change. Whatever happens, I have learned a couple things: i learned that no matter how many people sending you posi...
Read more
Image
 High Atop the Palisades There used to be an amazing amusement part just across the river from New York, called Palisades Amusement Park.It had the best theme song: Palisades has the rides, Palisade has the fun, Come on over. Shows and dancing are free, so's the parking so gee, Come on over. Palisades from coast to coast Where a dime buys the most Palisades Amusement Park Swings all day and after dark. Ride the coaster, get cool in the waves in the pool You'll have fun so come on over. The most amazing feature of Palisades was the huge roller coaster, perched right on the edge of the cliff. When the car got to the top of the hill and curved to come back down, the riders could see all the way down to the river. It was terrifying.  But now that the whole park is gone, I'm wondering: has it relocated to Chemoworld? Because much of my days seem to be spent riding the rides. No, not that anything exciting is happening. But I go from feeling better to feeling worse in the blink o...
Read more
Image
 Struggling It has been a rough day. I am not feeling all that badly, actually. I'm eating and though I don't think it's having an effect yet, it does feel good to eat.  And some wonderful things have happened - I got to sit outside yesterday with Julia, who has been an amazing support, and with Miriam, who has brought daffodils and sent encouraging texts and just been the same wonderful friend she has been for the last four plus decades. Today, we had breakfast with Sabastian and Jamie - something we haven't done in a couple months. They sat at the bottom of the front stairs, where we set up a table and chairs, and we sat up on the glider with TV trays. It was wonderful, and felt very familiar. And so great to see the two of them, both so happy, talking about the wedding and their plans. But it has been a hard day because I have felt so trapped. I spent most of the day in our bedroom, reclining on the bed, watching weird shit on TV and dealing with the weirdness that i...
Read more