Bread and Butter for the Soul

People who know me - people who have met me - hell, people who have driven past me on the interstate - will know that I am NOT one of those people who are into the various spooky kooky "self help" books that seem to come from an eternal spring. I don't lean in, and I don't thank my old socks for their service before tossing them into the rag bag. 

That doesn't mean, however, that I do not support some of the concepts behind some of this best-selling crapola. And one of the things that I am a great believer in is gratitude.

I have always said that I am not ready to die - trust me, I am still not ready. But if it turned out that today was the day I died, I would be surprisingly okay with it. Oh, sure, I'll rail rail against the dying of the light, but ultimately, if my time is up, I'm okay. I feel like I have had an amazing life. I have lived with and loved the same man for almost 42 years, and though it has not always been easy, it has always been worth the effort. We had kids at a time when everyone told us we couldn't. We've bought real estate, restored out houses, even moved old houses, just as we loved. Tom and I have built a large and loving community, with many many close friends and confidantes. I worked as a disability advocate, lived a personal life supporting the LGBTQ community and been exactly who I wanted to be. How many people get to say that, they got to be exactly who they wanted to be? I'm an incredibly lucky man.

So I have always believed that it was important to feel gratitude for what one has, and to express that gratitude in tangible ways. People have said to me, "The reason so many people love you is because you are so kind to those people." I'm not sure that is true. I am so kind to those people because I am so grateful for their presence in my life.

But there are two parts to gratitude. The first, which may be harder for many, is to actually feel it. The second is to express it. 

Over the past weeks, I have been deluged by cards and letters from people I love, making me laugh, making me cry, making me so glad to be alive. I am grateful for every one - but how to I express that gratitude?

In this case, it's easy. I write bread and butter notes.

Bread and butter notes, also known as thank you notes, are one of those social niceties that people have been saying was antiquated and no longer done.  But I believe that, just because we have easier ways of expressing our thanks, we need to use them. Gratitude shouldn't be the fastest route to the exit - it should take some effort and show the recipient that you are truly grateful.

People often comment to me: I don't have the time to write bread and butter notes, and I don't know how to do it. Let's deal with the time second, but consider what follows a primer on bread and butter notes.

The first thing one does in order to write a good bread and butter note is get a good piece of stationery. Yes, a bread and butter note can be written on a piece of torn notebook paper, but it is so much more satisfying to take a beautiful piece of heavy paper and express your thoughts. I don't buy stationery that is generic: Tom and I have several different types of stationery we use for bread and butter notes, all of it engraved with our names and addresses, with matching envelopes that have our return address on the back flap. This is the kind of satisfying letter that makes it easier to write, and also that makes the recipient notice: this is something to read. I don't believe my bread and butter notes often end up in the recycling, having been mistaken for junk mail.

Once you have the stationery (go out and order some now and beat the rush - I highly recommend American Stationery but there are lots of places), the next thing you have to do is write the actual letter.  This is the part that sumps most people, but trust me it's easy.

The format for bread and butter notes does not alter much. After the salutation (which is always "Dear Bernie" and never "To Whom It May Concern", one gets to the point. Here are a couple opening line samples:

When I got your package, I was so surprised that I had a hard time unwrapping it - what a pleasure to hear from you.

Your envelope of photos arrived here this morning, and I have had such a wonderful time pouring over them and remembering old times

I can't even begin to express what it meant to me to find your card in my mailbox today, and reading it made me feel that I was sitting in the room with you.

Note that, in each case, it's important to immediately note something personal about which you are writing. Bread ad butter notes are not generic - the fun in writing them, frankly, is making sure they are always personalized and appropriate for each recipient. 

The next sentence can be a second paragraph, or a continuation of the first if you have more to say. Again, here something personal is mentioned - if the bread and butter note is about a visit, or a party you attended, it gets mentioned here. But the party is not only mentioned - something specific is mentioned to remind the recipient exactly which event you are talking about. 

Your house was so lovely, and I know you took extra time creating those beautiful floral centerpieces for each table.

Choosing to meet at a restaurant is never without it's risks, but the bistro you selected was perfect, and I think everyone enjoyed the quartet that played through lunch.

Everything was perfect, and I particularly loved the freshly baked challah. You are such a skilled bread baker, how I wish I could copy your expertise!

Now on to the closing. The end of the note is so formulaic it almost writes itself - again, a personal mention of the event you attended, the item you received, or just the pleasure you had from hearing from them.

We had a delightful afternoon, and look forward to celebrating Edwina's birthday in September.

The vase is sitting on the mantle across from me as I write, and I smile every time I see it.

So many people seem to have lost the ability to write cards and letters - which made getting yours doubly pleasurable.

Then, a final simple sentence:

Thank you again for your generosity.

Thank you again for your kindness.

Thank you again for thinking of me.

Then "Love, Daisy" is added at the bottom, and you are done.

Note that the formulaic approach to this in no ways suggests an impersonal note. Depending on the magnanimity of the sender, the pleasure of the party, or just the level of gratitude you are feeling, one can be more or less effulgent.  

So back to the top: the other complaint about writing bread and butter notes is that it takes too much time. 

The time it takes isn't the issue, of course. The issue is sitting in front of a torn piece of notebook paper and trying to force yourself to write something, feeling awkward about how to express what are absolutely true sentiments.

Now take the above, and write out the four or five sentences needed to put together a good note. Just copy them right off the blog - we're just practicing here, remember. I'll wait.

How long did that take? Most people can write a bread and butter note in five minutes or less. Often, hunting up the person's mailing address takes the most time, but if someone has sent you a gift, or you have been to an event, that shouldn't be an issue - you know where this letter is destined. Finding a stamp might be time consuming as well - so at the same time you are ordering your beautiful personalized stationery, go to the USPS website and buy some nice simple stamps. 

Invariably, there are questions:

"How long can I wait to write a bread and butter note?" Generally, the task gets harder the longer you write. But time does not lessen the obligation. If you are out of stationery and it takes two weeks to get more, then you write when it arrives. Or, if you have just had a major event, such as a wedding, there many be many many notes to write, and one cannot expect them all to be done the same day. Of course, in these situations, you add a line right up front: 

I apologize for the delay in writing to you, but circumstances have prevented me from writing until now.

"My handwriting is almost illegible - can I type the letter?" There are very few situations where a person absolutely cannot write a bread and butter note in their own hand. Certainly, I know people in the disability community who have severe mobility restrictions, and I know some of them hand write their bread and butter notes. If someone has had a stroke or something else that is completely debilitating, it is generally acceptable to use dictation and print out a bread and butter note - but why not dictate the note to someone else, and have them write it?

If your handwriting is challenging, it only adds to the intrigue. I have received handwritten notes from people that were pretty close to unintelligible, and I have spent hours feeling like Jean-François Champollion translating the Rosetta Stone. There is a sense of satisfaction on finally figuring out that the person is saying "thank you for the beautiful vase" and not "Took you from the Bonaduce farce". 

One more note on handwriting: write slowly. Think about the letters and make each one individually. We are all so used to just hitting a series of buttons and our entire thought pours out, perfectly formed, on to the page. Writing a bread and butter note is hearkening back to a different time, when people actually took time and pleasure in completely simple tasks. So much of what we do is, frankly, mindless. Why not spend the time learning how to make an upper case Y that is legible and that people recognize as the 25th letter?

Okay, I'll get off the soap box. 

If you have written to me during this Chemoworld Era of mine, please do NOT take this post as expressing my gratitude to you. I do feel a lot of gratitude, and I am working on getting all the thank you notes out.